Trichotillomania

 

Pull.

Pull.

Pull.

I was in the fray of playing tug-of-war with an eyelash. I had the urge and I needed a release. I had that ‘certain feeling’. That right moment of when my eyelash root was ripe for the plucking. Between my middle finger and thumb was the one imperfection I needed to yank out.

Hair is one of the universal images of beauty. The type of hair that flows out from the scalp and the type of hair that flutters out from the eyes. The longer and fuller the hair is, the more society will glorify it. This ritual of plucking my eyelashes is not because I don’t adore them. I desperately want to stop the habit, but… I can’t. It’s like being oblivious to a deep itch tingling on the arm.

I tugged as the eyelash strained. I felt the root ache more and more as I pulled. Then, finally, I felt the relief. With the eyelash still between my fingers, I studied the follicle to see if it was black or white. It was white, fully developed. I’m not certain why I do this myself, but I find it fascinating to think about how the root slips out of the socket of the eyelid.

At first, I don’t have a sense of regret. It is until I examine my eyelid in the mirror to see how it looks without that one eyelash. It may appear normal to everyone else, but to me the eyelashes aligned are uneven in length. There have been times where I have had a bald spot on an eyelid from consistently plucking. I make a fail attempt to swish my mascara wand to guide the eyelashes to cover the bald spot.

I have even guided my fingers up to my eyebrows to pluck. Most of the time it doesn’t so much hurt, the hair simply comes out with a soft tug. More than one fine hair falls out. When I was just beginning high school, I would brush my eyebrows back the opposite direction because I would have that same ‘certain feeling’ that I had with my eyelashes.

The outcome of losing my eyebrow hair was it to be less thick than before. It isn’t much of a big deal as it is with my eyelashes since my eyebrows are a tad thick. I view my eyebrow pulling ritual to be a part of my grooming. I don’t do it as often as bathing or brushing my teeth, but as often as shaving my legs (every few days or so).

I thought I was odd—more unusual than any other teenager in their awkward stage of life. I felt I was the only one having weird sensations with my hair. Of course, I never thought much about it since I would have my rituals in private. Always, whenever I was alone. Whenever I was in the midst of reading a book (even if I was engrossed in it), trying to study or do homework, the rituals would happen. If something wasn’t occupying my mind enough, I would tug.

About a year ago, I randomly typed “eyelash pulling” into Google’s search bar. I didn’t expect this habit to be a diagnosis, nor did I ever would have thought there would be a name for it. I didn’t realize many people suffer with the same exact thing as I do. Some people twist and yank out their hair from the scalp, or even from their pelvis. Pretty much, anywhere there is hair some people will pull if they have Trichotillomania. Some even ingest the follicle of the hair, which I have never had the urge to do, but it made me acknowledge that I’m not the only one.

As for the cause of Trichotillomania, many websites describe it as it being much like someone cutting themselves. I know that sounds a tad dramatic, but once you focus on it it does make sense. Whenever someone is depressed or stressed, they result to harming themselves in some way. The blood and lymph vessels are tucked in the root of the follicle (any hair follicle). As anyone would imagine, there will be a slight pinch of pain since the vessels are attached. Pulling out hair or cutting the skin both deal with releasing endorphins. Interesting how both can be seen as self-mutilating, even though one over the other causes much more of a life risk. One is less messy than the other. One leaves marks and scares, while the other has the possibility of not having anything to grow back whatsoever.

Yet, they are most common during the teenage years and to eventually space out during time; much like growing out of it as you grow more mature. I have noticed that the secluded rituals I use to have constantly, now happen on rare occasions of stress. For that, I hope the rituals will eventually seize.